This is a bonafide step-by-step process. My friends have been trying to get me to do this for a long time. Skeptical? All I have to say is that 1) it can't hurt and 2) I have nearly 20 satisfied ex-lovers to prove it. These rules are for anyone--male or female, old or young--except those who have had their sense of humor surgically removed for some reason.... Read on, and I do take suggestions... courting is an ever-evolving process.
First and foremost, look at yourself and analyze what's goofy, charming and perhaps endearing. DON'T look at how buff you are, your tan lines, or your wallet. Honestly, being disarming is much more important than your car's paint job. Be truthful, because the skill of laughing at yourself is very important if you want to approach anyone.
Get to know her reaction to you. If you haven't spoken to her, be mildly clumsy. When you see her, drop something, trip, whatever and make sure she sees you. This will take her off guard, and when you look sheepish, I guarantee you will see her honest assessment of you. From this point, it is your prerogative as to whether or not to approach her.
(If you have already spoken to her, then make sure you make steady eye contact.
DO NOT fantasize during this activity--she will see your intent, and you'll
be lucky if you get her to speak to you again.
On the other hand, she may be game to get in bed with you already. This is
not the purpose of this guide. What I'm teaching is flirtation and, for
lack of a better word, courtship.)
Try to get an idea of her interests. This is not only helpful to actually approaching her, but also helps you assess if she is someone with whom you could possibly enjoy spending your time. Will you have something to talk about? Will you get each other's jokes? The latter is very important to intimacy and romance. Don't underestimate it.
By all means, find out these things SUBTLY. Women are not into screechy lunatics, regardless of sexual orientation. Ask a mutual friend you can trust, or observe what common places to which both you and she seem drawn. This is where you need to make the decision as to whether or not she is a "go" or a "stop". Please don't pursue out of boredom-- it's disrespectful to both yourself and her. She is not a quilting project and you-- believe it or not--are not desperate.
Take your time. Don't infiltrate her life and lurk in her periferal vision all at once. I'm not advising to "play cool". I'm suggesting that you pursue her acquaintence the way you would any interesting newfound friend (gasp! the nerve!). Now that you (hopefully)have a chance to interact regularly, sit back and enjoy what happens, as it happens. She will be able to sense your anxiety if you sit around just waiting. Once again, regardless of orientation, a woman does not want to be bullied into romance. In fact, the concept is an oxymoron. And remember, these comments (at this stage) are completely apart from a sexual context; only within a romantic or courting venue.
(OPTION 1)Now, hopefully, you've been relaxing. You and she are having great
conversations. You're surprised at how much you have to talk about--
and you don't talk about yourself all that much, usually. You're
content to sit quietly and look at each other; or maybe just sit in
each other's presence. Now what?
or
(OPTION 2)She doesn't seem to listen. You have long awkward silences;
there's not a lot to talk about. She doesn't look at you at all, and
you think maybe she's checking out other people, or maybe fantasizing
about Scully or Mulder. But she won't say she's bored or anything...
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Lesson #7
Let's deal with the second option first: Talk about it. Ask her if
there's a problem. Ask what SHE thinks your intentions are. Be prepared
to clarify your approach. And then, if there is nothing specifically
wrong ("Well, I'd feel more comfortable with you if you'd stop picking
your nose all the time"), then tell her (and mean it!) that you are
more than willing to be friends. Don't think you're giving up or that
your chance with her has passed you by--maybe it's not the
right time, or maybe she is just not looking.
In any case, the only
way to get her trust is to be consistent and HANDS OFF. And of course,
maybe you'll just like hanging with her and her friends (which can
start the whole process up again; see earlier lessons).
So what do you do if everything is ideal, and you're ready to be physical? Start with subtle body language. Put a hand on her shoulder or back. START AS FAR AWAY FROM GENITALIA as possible. This is what you've been doing all along: gaining trust and giving her a reason to keep trusting you. Then concentrate on her. Ignore your hormones for the moment, because one moment of clarity can give you the right timing for a first move, like a kiss or two.
Alternately, if you do not like making the first move, then keep to outwardly "innocent" gestures like hugs and pecks on the cheek or hair. Even jokingly kissing her hand can work. If there is electricity coming from her, you'll feel it. Once again, concentrate on her feelings, not your hormones. It can be more difficult to induce a move from the other person.
(NOTE: Backrubs, provided they are good and earnest and not an obvious way to cop a feel, can help either plan of action outlined above.)
IF THERE IS NO ELECTRICITY, THERE IS NO POINT.
Do not force yourself
on her in any manner: verbally, sexually or otherwise. If she is not
responding to you, it doesn't mean that other women will naturally follow
her lead. She doesn't have to have a reason, either. She can say no
WHENEVER. Aside from masturbation, it usually takes at least two to
tango. This means that two people are enjoying themselves, at least physically. No, I'm not making judgements about why people
have sex; however, I do think the aim of sex, especially in this context, is to be enjoyable. For example, make sure that if you think something is going to be a one-nighter, she knows your plan. I'm not talking politics, I'm talking courtesy and respect.
Nothing you do can MAKE her feel what she doesn't already.
Get over it.
